I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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