Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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