david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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