I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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