Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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