I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
