Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
