Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
