Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
