It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
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This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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