I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
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Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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