I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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