I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
