I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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