im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
