just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She announced her abortion via fbk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
