Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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