I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
