The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
