Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
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