Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Edward fifth and chaser hands
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
