when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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