Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
