I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
