why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
