i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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