Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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