My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How external is "for external use only"?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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