I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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