i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
