dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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