Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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