I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
