just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
