forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
