I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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