Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
