Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.