my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My ATM looks so different sober.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.