if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l