can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
