i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
