I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
