She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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