We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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