how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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