I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
She made me pour olive oil on her.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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