Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
