11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
