on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
