Fine. I'll sleep in my office
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
