I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
