There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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