i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
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